Oct 30... Wow it's almost over!

OK so the tests came back from the lab. Maryann says other than a low iron level (typical for me) and a borderline cholesterol level my blood tests look normal. She isn't the doctor but what is does mean is that diabetes is still unproven. Nor that it matters Dr was adamant I have to lose weight or I have a 50/50 chance of being alive in five years. On top of that my psychotherapist said I was basically a whiner and it's time I stopped complaining and actually started making goals and working towards them.

I didn't have the courage to tell her I had no idea how nor the energy to do that. She probably would have said I was defeating the purpose of the exercise. Whatever that means to her it means I fail again and I am tired of trying just to keep failing.

Can I change? I suppose I could if I really wanted to but that dead in five years sounded very inviting. Peace at last. No one telling me that I am lazy or not working hard enough (basically the same thing in my opinion). No one telling me what a failure as a normal human being I am. No one asking for something I just don't have the energy or will to give. No one asking me to do something to fix myself. I would gladly go to sleep & never wake up again. Even a heart attack would be fine as long as it is fatal. Anything else is just too much work and demands more from me than I have left to give. I've received the warnings, I've been given the instructions by authority figures & you know what I don't care. I have no energy left to give life and I'm all out of hope too. If I could hurry the final day I would.

Stop the world & let me off please I am done.

Why am I crying because no one understands. They call if laziness or depression. Fix it with a pill then push through. I call it failure to thrive due to complete lack of interest in the world.

Can I do something about it? I suppose I could but quite frankly I can't see any benefit in it. Better to disappear and let the world get on with it. The world doesn't see me anyway. And I will never need to suffer as dad suffers as the last of his family and friends to still be among the living. Though I would rather end it at 50 then at 80. Perhaps in a year I will have figured out how to do it.

Oct 20, 2009

It's been awhile since I used this blog mainly because I do find it easier to write with a pen than to type.

I am tired all the time now. The doctor says I have all the symptoms of diabetes but they haven't been able to prove it. My bad knee got worse shortly after my birthday so now it swells up and locks on a regular basis these days.

My teeth are acting up again one in particular on the bottom right makes it really hard to chew.

I am told I have fibermyalgia trigger points which is important.

Fibromyalgia trigger points are specific places on the body (18 specific points at 9 bilateral locations) that are exceptionally sensitive to the touch in people with fibromyalgia upon examination by a doctor. Fibromyalgia trigger points exist at these nine bilateral muscle locations:

• Low cervical region: (front neck area) at anterior aspect of the interspaces between the transverse processes of C5-C7.
• Second rib: (front chest area) at second costochondral junctions.
• Occiput: (back of the neck) at suboccipital muscle insertions.
• Trapezius muscle: (back shoulder area) at midpoint of the upper border.
• Supraspinatus muscle: (shoulder blade area) above the medial border of the scapular spine.
• Lateral epicondyle: (elbow area) 2 cm distal to the lateral epicondyle.
• Gluteal: (rear end) at upper outer quadrant of the buttocks.
• Greater trochanter: (rear hip) posterior to the greater trochanteric prominence.
• Knee: (knee area) at the medial fat pad proximal to the joint line.

Basically I think it means I have it or at least I have a lot of the symptoms. He didn't say I had it only that I had the trigger points. I will ask him for clarification the next time I see him. If it is so it actually confirms my own thoughts on why I ache all the time

Well it's midnight time to get some sleep

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Highs & Lows for Jan 26

Highs:
I completed a lot of things on my todo list today. It actually feel pretty good.
eBay is looking pretty good for the week and I only have a few packages to send out.

Lows:

I'm so tired. I worked really hard. And woke too early.

Gratitude for Jan 25

I am grateful for a husband who loves me despite my crankiness

Gratitudes for Jan 21

Thank you for small favours. I got a testing rig for consoles I am ecstatic because it means I am no longer dependent on Rob or anyone to test them for me.

High & Lows for Jan 21

Highs

One of my Auction items sold for over $100
The drug store had the necessary shampoo to get rid of the bugs
Got a testing rig for consoles


Lows

Found Lice in my hair